Aren’t we all exhausted? Three years and counting of wide eyed anxiety at what’s coming next. Is there an issue that hasn’t come up or a topic that we haven’t been compelled to examine? I don’t know of another time in my life where so much of what I think, how I move through the world, what I expect and what I value has been consistently put to the test. I’m not sure if describing it as drinking from a firehose or being waterboarded is more accurate as drinking from a firehose implies some consent. I’m not the same person I was in 2019, I know that. I’m not going to go back through all of it and try to list it. I just know I’m tired, I’m better informed and more disappointed, kind of rage-y and also full of empathy or apathy depending on the day. It’s been a crapshow and that’s just the truth.
I say all of that because I want to talk about Will. I know that the last thing we need is another opinion about that situation but it’s just the latest thing imposed upon us and I have thoughts. I waited a few days before I wrote anything because my knee jerk reaction is never how I end up feeling about many of these cultural moments that cause so much conversation. I didn’t watch it live. I tuned into the Oscars right when they were announcing the Best Actor award and only saw Will’s speech which I found odd and confusing because it lacked context without having seen what came before. I realized later that as he spoke he was drowning in feelings and maybe not even back in his body yet, so we watched him as he was just beginning to process the magnitude of what he had done.
Then, as I started to see the reaction online, I needed to find and watch the video to see what all the shock and outrage was about. And it was shocking and outrageous. But here’s what I want to say. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air first aired in 1990. We were introduced 32 years ago and we have all watched Will Smith ever since. 32 years of charming, affable, funny, and gifted. 32 years of growth and success. So, part of the reason we were so shocked, besides the ceremonial setting, is because we have never seen him behave like that, ever. But the public reaction was swift and harsh and suddenly we have amnesia. Yes, accountability is important and necessary in this situation. Can we just go around smacking people when we get protective or triggered? Of course not. Was he (and Chris Rock) out of pocket and should there be consequences? Also yes. But we have become a people who turn on a dime, who shun and dismiss with every changing news cycle. In the book by John Gray, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, it describes how differently men and women keep score within relationships. Apparently, men give points for certain things and when you disappoint or fail to meet expectations they dock a few points. Women give points for certain things and when you disappoint or fail to meet expectations you lose all your points and start again at zero. When I read that years ago, I recognized that truth with guilty amusement. Today, a lot of women and men want Will to start again at zero.
Many years ago, when my youngest daughter was about 4 or 5, we were at a swap meet and were looking at some glass things on a particular table. She reached out to touch something and the older man whose table it was slapped her hand and told her not to touch anything. He didn’t just tap her hand, he slapped her hard. Because my children are a little more melanated than I am, I don’t think he thought she was with anyone, or that I was her mom. When I say I immediately lost my mind, believe that. I was instantly livid and started to tell him off with my voice getting louder by the word. Honestly I wanted to punch him. A lady passing by, who did not witness the incident, told me that I should respect my elders and not speak to him that way. By this time I was taking no prisoners and told her that she should mind her effing business, only I didn’t say effing. It’s not language I usually use and not how I would normally behave in public or elsewhere. It was only later, once the rage had subsided, that I felt flushed with shame for losing control and for how I reacted. I think of this moment with regret for not handling it differently, for not keeping my composure with the man who felt emboldened to strike a child that was not his own, and for letting an F bomb fly without hesitation to the lady who intervened. It wasn’t on television but it was in the middle of a crowd and I can imagine how someone who doesn’t know me might describe me if they only had this moment to go by. Or, how someone who does know me might suddenly think of me differently having witnessed that.
There is a quote by author Bryan Stevenson that says, “Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done”. I recognize that my moment and Will’s are not equal in scale. He lives a great big life and I, an ordinary one. But what they have in common is the experience of being human and responding to a situation in a way not indicative of our character. The 32 years that Will Smith has been in the public eye has to count for something. All of my years before that incident and after count for something. Does it mean we get a pass for the crappy things we’ve done or said whether it was in public or in private? It does not. There are people who consistently behave badly, who routinely are abusive, who disregard all the norms and are unapologetic about it and they may deserve censure and condemnation. But be on the lookout for those who are contrite, who apologize, who are embarrassed and full or shame for moments when they fall far short of their own expectations as well as ours. Will Smith spoiled his own moment of accomplishment and tarnished the Williams’s story he so wanted to celebrate because it will always be tied to an uncharacteristic event on national television. There are already memes aplenty and every talking head weighing in and speculating on the reasons for this atypical conduct. This will forever be attached to him regardless of how many good moments he has had or will continue to have. It’s an unfortunate truth exacerbated by his stature. I wonder how many of us have had moments, public or private, we would rather not revisit or that had catastrophic consequences for which we are still paying the price. All of us could probably explain why it happened, why we behaved as we did, who we were trying to protect, how buried trauma shaped that moment, what circumstances combined to contribute to our actions…and it would all be valid. Explanations are not excuses – they are just the rest of the story. If you’ve ever started watching a movie about 20 minutes in and you’re asking all the questions trying to understand what is going on, then you know the importance of background information to figuring out what is actually happening. I would say that in this situation we missed the first 20 minutes, we’re forgetting all we learned during the middle and we’re trying to write the ending. It’s easy to stand outside of someone’s story and offer commentary. We all know how we would have, he should have, I would never etc. Life comes at us hard and fast and we might be unprepared or ill equipped for a moment that has the ability to damage our reputation or change our trajectory. But one unguarded moment shouldn’t be the arbiter of grace, or an eraser that wipes out everything we have been and done and everything we can still become. We are all more than our worst day and every person deserves to have their entire story considered when their character comes into question. There may be times when others are justified in docking our accumulated points, but if we have the receipts to show consistent dividends, then some of our hard won deposits should remain in the bank. The Fresh Prince, Will, and all of us, will encounter or cause situations that will turn our lives upside down. I hope we all have people who are willing to weigh that moment against everything they know about us, and that they have the grace to remember that if we’re still breathing, we aren’t done. We might have gone back to West Philly for a hot minute, but if we planted roots in Bel-Air, it is there that we will continue to live and grow.
Something to Shay 